Feeling Insecure, Needing Encouragement

A few years ago, I came across a book that still makes me smile whenever I dip back into it. It’s called Watching the English by anthropologist Kate Fox — a deep dive into the quirky, coded behaviours of the English in everyday life. One chapter in particular focuses on social awkwardness, and how the English are experts at sidestepping it with rituals like putting the kettle on or muttering harmless phrases like “mustn’t grumble.”

Fox talks about those odd moments at dinner parties when you’re introduced to someone new. You don’t quite know what to say — “How do you do?” has fallen out of fashion, and “How are you?” is technically reserved for people you already know. So we all fall back on pre-programmed responses.

That rang true for me — but it also took me back to a moment from over 20 years ago.

I was a student at university, hanging out in the chaplaincy between lectures, when Liz, the Chaplaincy Assistant, came in. She saw me and said warmly, “How are you?”

I said the only socially acceptable thing: “I’m fine, thanks.”

But Liz didn’t move on. She looked at me — really looked at me — and said, “Phil, do you know what fine means? It means Feeling Insecure, Needing Encouragement.”

And she was right. I can’t remember exactly what was going on at the time, but I do remember I wasn’t doing great — I was feeling a bit fragile. And she saw that. It was the first time someone had cut through my polite, British answer and named what I was really feeling underneath it.

When Encouragement Becomes Ministry

We all need encouragement sometimes. But I don’t think we’re always that good at asking for it — or offering it. People like Liz are rare, those with the radar to pick up when someone’s hurting and the courage to speak into it.

But shouldn’t the Church be exactly that kind of place? A community where encouragement flows freely — not as a nicety, but as a ministry?

That’s what Paul models in his letters. Take Colossians, for example. Paul writes to a church he’s never met, but he’s heard a report from Epaphras, one of their own, and he writes to encourage them in the face of mounting pressures.

And he doesn’t start with critique or correction. He begins by naming the good:

• He affirms their faith in Jesus and love for one another.

• He celebrates that they’re bearing fruit, living out the gospel in real, visible ways.

Isn’t it amazing how much difference it makes when someone takes the time to notice and name the good they see in you?

Encouragement Is a Spiritual Gift

In Romans 12, Paul actually lists encouragement as a spiritual gift. That means it’s not just a nice extra — it’s something God gives to build up the Church. And it’s something I’ve seen in spades across the parishes I serve. So many of you are brilliant encouragers — often quietly, behind the scenes, speaking words that bring strength and courage to others.

I want to say, keep going. Your words matter more than you know.

Encouragement isn’t about flattery or empty positivity. It’s a ministry of truth and grace — one of the ways the Holy Spirit nurtures the body of Christ. When we encourage each other, we’re helping one another grow in faith, persevere in trials, and stay anchored in hope.

Grounded in Grace

But Paul doesn’t just cheerlead the Colossians. He roots their fruitfulness in something deeper: the grace of God.

“...just as it [the word of truth] is bearing fruit and growing in the whole world, so it has been bearing fruit among yourselves from the day you heard it and truly comprehended the grace of God.” (Colossians 1:6)

Their love and faith aren’t just signs of human effort — they’re evidence of God’s transforming work in them.

That’s the real encouragement here. When life gets hard, when faith feels costly, we can stand firm — not because we’re strong, but because God is. Our growth, our fruit, our hope — they’re all rooted in grace.

Don’t Be Too British About It

So, as your friendly neighbourhood Welsh vicar, let me say this gently but clearly: don’t be too British about all this.

Don’t hide behind “I’m fine, thanks.” Don’t assume someone else will say the encouraging word that’s needed. Let’s be a people who notice, speak, and build each other up — even when it feels a little awkward.

To finish, here are three simple questions to take with you this week:

1. Who has encouraged you recently?

2. Who might God be nudging you to encourage?

3. What’s one honest thing you can share with a trusted friend or small group this week?

Let’s be done with polite scripts and stiff upper lips. Let’s be a church full of warm, gospel-shaped words that lift and strengthen. That’s how God’s grace flows — through people like you and me, when we choose to speak life.